Building a blended family is much more than just moving people and possessions into the same home and expecting everything to magically fall into place. In fact, even the smallest habits can begin to wear on your patience, leading to frustration—and eventually, conflict.

Here are a few common complaints I hear from stepparents:

• “My stepchild makes a snack and leaves a huge mess, assuming someone else will clean it up.”

• “His daughter takes a shower and leaves her wet towel on the bathroom floor, even though the hamper is right there!”

• “I’ve told the kids 100 times, ‘Take your shoes off at the door,’ but I still find myself cleaning the floors. Why can’t her kids follow such a simple rule?”
  

Sound familiar? You're not alone.

Let’s dive into why this happens and what you can do to bring more harmony into your home.

Understanding the Root Causes of the Conflicts

The first step in resolving these issues is to understand why they exist in the first place. By considering each person’s perspective, you can uncover the real reasons behind the tension and begin to address it.

Differences in expectations are a common source of conflict in blended families. Parenting styles can vary widely, and when two families come together, issues often arise around behavior and discipline.

While you and your partner work on creating a united parenting approach, the children are adapting to new family rules. From your stepchild’s point of view, they might be thinking, “This is how we’ve always done it—why should things change just because you’re here now?”

Creating a Supportive Environment for Change

Shifting from conflict to cooperation starts with communication. Setting aside time to talk as a family, inviting the kids to share their thoughts, and creating new habits together can make all the difference.

Here are a few tips to help:

1. Work the Problem Focus on the behavior, not the person. Avoid using labels like "lazy" or "messy," and steer clear of blame. The goal is to address the specific issue without making it personal.

2. Limit the Changes Try to tackle one issue at a time. Instead of making sweeping changes all at once, break larger changes into manageable steps. This helps ease everyone into this new phase of family life.

3. Include the Children When kids feel like they’re part of the process, they’re more likely to embrace the changes. Give them a chance to voice their opinions, and respond with understanding. Remember, their lives have been impacted by major decisions they had no say in.

   Problem-solving together creates opportunities for bonding and helps encourage “buy-in” from the kids.

4. Meet Your Stepchild Where They Are Before pointing out what your stepchild is doing wrong, take a moment to consider what parenting styles or expectations they’re used to. If both of their biological parents had a more lenient approach, it’s going to take time—and patience—to introduce structure and routines into their lives.

5. Be mindful of how important the change is. Choose your battles wisely.
   

Celebrate Progress!

I’m not saying you need to throw a party for basic chores being done—no confetti required! But small acknowledgments can go a long way in reinforcing the behaviors you want to see.

For example, if the new family rule is to load dishes into the dishwasher after eating, and your stepchild remembers to do it, a simple, “Thanks for remembering!” can make a big difference. You don’t need to mention it every time, but after a few days, you could say, “I really appreciate you cleaning up after yourself this week. It makes it so much easier for me to start dinner without the mess.”

Recognizing progress encourages more of it.

Why This Matters

By acknowledging small steps, you accomplish two important things:

1. You reinforce the behavior you want to see more of.

2. You strengthen your family bonds, little by little.
   

Remember, your stepchild’s habits were developed long before you came into the picture. Patience and understanding are essential as you navigate your stepfamily journey together. If you found this helpful, you will love the Blended Family Blueprint Starter Kit! It contains tips and strategies for the early stages of blended life including a parenting assessment, a communication checklist for couples, the top conversations ever couple needs (e-book) and my workshop, STEPMOM: From Wicked to Wonderful with an accompanying stepmom journal. Click here to get yours today!