Have you ever felt like being a stepparent requires a thick skin? Like no matter what you do, you’re stuck being the "bad guy" in your home?
If so, you’re not alone.
Stepparents often bear the brunt of frustration from their stepchildren, even when they had nothing to do with the breakup of the child’s birth parents.
When emotions run high, it can be tough to sort through the anger, frustration, or hurt. Many stepparents I work with say they don’t want to feel so defensive all the time, but they aren’t sure how to manage those heavy feelings.
That’s where the three "R" words—Reflect, Reframe, Redefine—come in. These simple steps can help you process difficult moments, shift your perspective, and ultimately redefine your role in a way that works for you and your family.
REFLECT
Taking a step back to process a difficult situation is always a good idea. Ask yourself:
What am I really feeling? Beyond the surface-level anger, are you feeling isolated, confused, or helpless? Anger often stems from fear or a lack of control, both common experiences for stepparents.
What was my stepchild feeling? Behind the snarky remark or attitude, could there be loyalty conflicts, uncertainty, or frustration with differing parenting styles?
What triggered this conflict? Was it a pattern, a deeper issue, or just the tipping point of a tough day? Understanding the root cause can lead to real solutions.
REFRAME
One stepdad recently told me, “This feels like putting lipstick on a pig.”
He worried that reframing meant justifying his stepchild’s bad attitude. But reframing isn’t about excusing behavior—it’s about breaking negative thought cycles and finding a new way to view the situation.
For example, after reflecting, you may realize that this is an opportunity to learn more about your stepchild’s struggles. Instead of writing them off, you’re gaining deeper understanding.
You might also reframe your own role—perhaps stepping back and letting your partner handle certain situations or tweaking your communication style to break a negative pattern.
Reframing asks, How can I see this differently? What new perspective might help?
REDEFINE
When I created Stepmom: From Wicked to Wonderful, I emphasized the importance of redefining your role. No two stepfamilies look the same, and there’s no single "right" way to be a stepparent.
You get to define what works for you. Maybe that means setting boundaries, stepping into more of a supportive adult role, or simply being a consistent, encouraging presence. If the kids have two very involved (or controlling) parents, your best move might be to be the calm, drama-free presence in the room.
Stepparenting can feel like a no-win situation some days, but by reflecting, reframing, and redefining your role, you can find a path that works for you.
I hope this strategy helps you see some light at the end of the tunnel!
If you haven't already grabbed your copy of the Blended Family Starter Kit, click here. You'll find the Stepmom: From Wicked to Wonderful training and 7-day journal along with a parenting partnership assessment, a couples communication checklist and the e-book, Blended Blessings. All for free!
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